[He hesitates before huffing softly. He might as well. He already bothered the other enough to come over here.]
It started on the beach where we all first found the robot. I was looking for fossils. And then the ocean changed, and it started having huge waves. It picked me up off the beach and dragged me into the water, and I started to drown.
There were shapes in the water, and it started to turn red. I realized they were the bodies of everyone I killed, and they clumped together and turned into giant versions of Kana and Machi. Kana was telling me how I was a terrible brother which... I know I was. But Machi... she was going on about how the person who should have gotten shot in the head was me, that I was stupid for messing up my battle.
And then I saw my mother - the one who gave birth to me, not the one who adopted me. She said that I was... ugh, what was it? ... That I was a terrible soldier. That she wouldn't have died for me like she did for my sis - adopted sister, who she wasn't even related to. And then they all went away, and I was alone in the dark, struggling to breathe...
I was able to wake up then, but... it still felt like I was being choked, and I threw up.
[He wraps his arms around himself and leans forward, trying to breathe.]
They... they weren't wrong. I was terrible in my battle. She did die for my sister, not me. ... I should have been the one who died, not Machi. I mean, I died anyway, but...
[Manabu listens with his knees drawn up, his arms resting atop them, his gaze forward. he's the complete opposite of a pokerface: the discomfort, sympathy, and concern plays on his features in profile.
this kid's been through a lot, no matter how much of that nightmare was self-hating embellishment. nightmares do that - pick and peel at scabs and wounds to aggravate the wounds of those horrible moments, twists memories to turn you into the villain...
when Jun starts to struggle, Magnet wiggles from under the blanket to nose at him. Manabu sits up a bit and doesn't hesitate to put his arm around the boy's shoulders, squeezing at his shoulder.]
[He takes a few moments to breathe, to realize that he's alive and - if not well, at least somewhat okay. His own omen pads up and takes the opposite side from Manabu.]
I did. ... The others, though... the other kids, the people I killed... they won't.
[Manabu doesn't answer right away. he doesn't have a good answer - key point being good. sure, he has some impulse ideas, but... but instead, he just hugs Jun a bit, tilting his head to prop against the top of Jun's - the way his big brother used to do to him.]
It...really sounds like PTSD. Not the kind of thing you fix on your own.
[despite the doubtful noise Manabu breathes out, he's kind of relieved to hear that. he's just a kid - as much as he has no business getting caught up in some sick, apocalyptic killing scheme, he has just as little business needing to know what PTSD is.]
Mn...the way I was taught, it's something that happens to a person after they go through something really traumatic. That's the "PT" part - post-traumatic. Your body and brain work really hard to take care of you after that, but...it's hard. And PTSD means that you can get really sick or, or have panic attacks at the drop of a hat.
It kind of...manifests a little differently for different people, but it's just...you're just...overburdened, you know? Like trying to carry twice the amount of weight you're able to.
It... Heh, sorry, it sounds wishy-washy to say, but...it really does depend, you know? The therapists here go by a different name, but there are people who do specialize in helping people work through problems like these. And-- I mean, are you surprised? Given all the monsters and moon-madness? People were going nuts on each other just a week ago...
[...]
If you're fine with it, I can look into it. Find some trustworthy people. [...] My, ah...my contacts pool's gotten kinda small lately, but...I know a few people. A few people who know a lot more people.
[a desperate kind of relief hits Manabu at such a wary concession that it almost makes him want to sigh aloud, but instead he's riding this thread as far as he can safely take it:] And I want to find you a different place to stay. This place is a dump... You're...kind of setting yourself up for misery in a place like this.
You come back to the house and stay where I'm at, okay? At least until you feel more steady on your own feet and really get sick of me and Magnet.
Stars aligned a bit, I think. [his mouth quirks, unseen.] Vyng and the rest of his tent...they're out minding the farms a while.
But I'll talk to Michael. If he doesn't mind a wooly pig rampaging around the place, he's not gonna mind a kid just trying to get some peace of mind. [Magnet quietly ruffs, unseen.] Let me worry about that.
He's kind of a weirdo, but he's an honest kind of weirdo. And he's always been decent to me, so...
[so he's confident it'll be alright. he pats Jun's shoulder to punctuate the point with some encouragement.]
So don't worry about it! But--aa, hey. [he leans a bit, taking Jun partly with him as he reaches to tug his satchel over and dig through it.] Here. [a water flask. he puts it in Jun's lap.] Brought some water. Drink a little, then try to relax for a bit. Getting worked up takes it outta you, but you'll feel worse if you're dehydrated.
[He takes the flask and stares at it a moment before opening it and taking a long drink. ... He does feel slightly better now that he's had some water, and he lets out a long breath.]
I... I've never been good at having friends. They just kind of... happened to me. But... I guess what I'm trying to say is... is...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
... You were the only person I could think of. And... it was really bad.
[Not like his nightmares are ever pleasant, but tonight was particularly unpleasant.]
I couldn't... I can't deal with it. Even now... I should be able to, but I can't. I'm not strong enough.
no subject
Tell me about it.
cw: drowning, body horror, gunshot wounds, suicide mention, blood, emetophobia
It started on the beach where we all first found the robot. I was looking for fossils. And then the ocean changed, and it started having huge waves. It picked me up off the beach and dragged me into the water, and I started to drown.
There were shapes in the water, and it started to turn red. I realized they were the bodies of everyone I killed, and they clumped together and turned into giant versions of Kana and Machi. Kana was telling me how I was a terrible brother which... I know I was. But Machi... she was going on about how the person who should have gotten shot in the head was me, that I was stupid for messing up my battle.
And then I saw my mother - the one who gave birth to me, not the one who adopted me. She said that I was... ugh, what was it? ... That I was a terrible soldier. That she wouldn't have died for me like she did for my sis - adopted sister, who she wasn't even related to. And then they all went away, and I was alone in the dark, struggling to breathe...
I was able to wake up then, but... it still felt like I was being choked, and I threw up.
[He wraps his arms around himself and leans forward, trying to breathe.]
They... they weren't wrong. I was terrible in my battle. She did die for my sister, not me. ... I should have been the one who died, not Machi. I mean, I died anyway, but...
no subject
this kid's been through a lot, no matter how much of that nightmare was self-hating embellishment. nightmares do that - pick and peel at scabs and wounds to aggravate the wounds of those horrible moments, twists memories to turn you into the villain...
when Jun starts to struggle, Magnet wiggles from under the blanket to nose at him. Manabu sits up a bit and doesn't hesitate to put his arm around the boy's shoulders, squeezing at his shoulder.]
But you woke up. You're awake right now.
no subject
I did. ... The others, though... the other kids, the people I killed... they won't.
no subject
no subject
He called it a 'game'. Didn't tell us that it would cost us our lives to pilot.
... But we had to, if we wanted to save our world.
no subject
Who's "he"-? The guy who made it?
no subject
The last pilot for each world shows up on the next world to pick the next group of people and fight their final battle as an 'example'.
no subject
no subject
no subject
So you get put through hell enough, come here, and your dreams decide that's not enough, huh? That's no good, Jun.
no subject
[There's nothing to fix, but he feels like there should be.]
no subject
It...really sounds like PTSD. Not the kind of thing you fix on your own.
no subject
I only... sort of know what that is.
no subject
Mn...the way I was taught, it's something that happens to a person after they go through something really traumatic. That's the "PT" part - post-traumatic. Your body and brain work really hard to take care of you after that, but...it's hard. And PTSD means that you can get really sick or, or have panic attacks at the drop of a hat.
It kind of...manifests a little differently for different people, but it's just...you're just...overburdened, you know? Like trying to carry twice the amount of weight you're able to.
no subject
[That... makes sense, with what he knows of psychology - which is little, but he knows enough science to get the basic idea.]
How do you fix - or... treat it? It's not like we have therapists here.
[And he can't imagine explaining all of this to a therapist. There's no way they could properly understand...]
no subject
It... Heh, sorry, it sounds wishy-washy to say, but...it really does depend, you know? The therapists here go by a different name, but there are people who do specialize in helping people work through problems like these. And-- I mean, are you surprised? Given all the monsters and moon-madness? People were going nuts on each other just a week ago...
[...]
If you're fine with it, I can look into it. Find some trustworthy people. [...] My, ah...my contacts pool's gotten kinda small lately, but...I know a few people. A few people who know a lot more people.
no subject
[Despite himself he leans into Manabu some more, closing his eyes.]
I can look and see if the archives have anything. I don't know how much I'll find, but I can at least try.
no subject
You come back to the house and stay where I'm at, okay? At least until you feel more steady on your own feet and really get sick of me and Magnet.
no subject
[He can sleep on a couch, sure... but he's not sure if he wants to take that up, either.]
no subject
But I'll talk to Michael. If he doesn't mind a wooly pig rampaging around the place, he's not gonna mind a kid just trying to get some peace of mind. [Magnet quietly ruffs, unseen.] Let me worry about that.
no subject
[He shifts his hand over to give Magnet a little scritch on top of the head. Good dog.]
I don't know Michael. Is he a decent person?
[Probably, if Manabu's living with him.]
I'll move things over in the morning, before work. It's not much, as you can tell.
no subject
[so he's confident it'll be alright. he pats Jun's shoulder to punctuate the point with some encouragement.]
So don't worry about it! But--aa, hey. [he leans a bit, taking Jun partly with him as he reaches to tug his satchel over and dig through it.] Here. [a water flask. he puts it in Jun's lap.] Brought some water. Drink a little, then try to relax for a bit. Getting worked up takes it outta you, but you'll feel worse if you're dehydrated.
no subject
I... I've never been good at having friends. They just kind of... happened to me. But... I guess what I'm trying to say is... is...
... Thank you. For... being here. For me.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)